Wednesday Whine: Just say no to spandex

The Spandex to the left is certainly bad, but is that a guy or girl on the right?

It’s hard to believe a week has passed since I was fighting off rednecks and terrible traffic, but time does fly when you’re having fun, or not in the case of the fair.

Speaking of the yearly H1N1 convention, I do have a small update from last week’s post. I ventured out to the fair Wednesday evening and the highlight of the night, unexpectedly I might add, was my first experience with Fried Oreos. I only ate one, but it was amazing. Everything went exactly as I had predicted. Anyway, moving on…

Before I move on to this week’s topic, let me again remind everyone of what the Wednesday Whine is all about. I got a little bit of mixed feedback last week, with one person even calling my post “mean.” The Wednesday Whine is my one chance all week to let out my frustration on one particular topic. Also, if you don’t know me personally, realize you should take about 75 percent of what I say with a grain of salt. The other thing about the Wednesday Whine is that it’s my way of saying what everyone else is already thinking. This week’s topic — spandex — falls squarely into that category.

Much like last week, a text from Earl got me thinking. “Leggings are not a replacement for pants” made it to my phone Monday morning about 9 o’clock and immediately I thought of 90 percent of the sorority population at NC State lazily walking down Dan Allen Drive to class. I knew I had something.

The leggings are not pants theme morphed into a discussion of spandex in general and in the end we sort of came up with a list of rules for girls to follow when deciding how to go about wearing this crap. If you fall into any of these categories, I apologize in advance, but do yourself — and everyone else — a favor and steer clear of spandex.

Cottage cheese legs/cellulite

If the clothing you decide to wear is so tight it accentuates the fatness of your legs and makes the cellulite expand out through the fabric, stay away. If I see another girl at the gym or elsewhere with pants that do nothing but make her look worse, I may have to vomit. In all honesty, I would rather see a big girl in the soffe-style shorts with juicy written on the back than a big girl stuffing it all in spandex. At least with the shorts I can have a good time guessing what the words on the back say.

Random lumps/bumps

Basically any abnormality that would be made worse by spandex. I’ve seen girls before that have like the weird second butt syndrome when they put on the tight pants. It’s not a second butt of course, but the excess upper leg/back fat has gotten to the point that it looks that way. Once it’s stuffed into spandex it just looks like girls are smuggling throw pillows around. It’s unsightly, and almost scary.

Camel toe

Not even touching this one, gotta keep things PG. But you get the point.

Muffin top syndrome

This could very easily go into the lumps category, but I need to talk about this one more. If your lower back actually ends up being lower than your belt, you have a problem. This is a problem with spandex, jeans, sweatpants, tight shorts and probably other types of clothing I haven’t seen yet.

Visible panty lines

Some girls wear underwear with their spandex, some girls don’t. Since that’s not a decision I get to make, I won’t go too much into it, but Earl says the decision of “commando or not” is crucial. My comment on this is about the girls who do decide to wear underwear. If the spandex is tight enough, the underwear lines look more like speed bumps and become absurd. It’s hilarious.

For everything that can go wrong when girls wear spandex, there are ladies out there who can pull it off. The unfortunate thing about that is about 5 percent of girls can pull it off and 95 percent of girls think they can. So for every one girl I see who does spandex justice, I get to see 40 who make me throw up in my mouth and question everything I ever knew about what is decent and human.

The other thing I’ve noticed about this trend is that it’s only getting worse. During my time at NC State I feel like I saw more and more girls wearing spandex or leggings as pants? Come on ladies. Throw on some jeans and at least make me think you could have gotten up and taken a shower. If you didn’t that’s cool, but at least my mind will be a little more at ease and I won’t need to brush my teeth again.

I do apologize if anyone was offended reading that, but it needed to be said. And if you read it sitting in class wearing spandex/leggings, go home and change, NOW!

Stay tuned for next week’s whine, and check back Thursday for more sports talk. I’ll be previewing NC State’s Thursday night game against Florida State.